Tom Edwards (toastmastertom) wrote,
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Feeling like shit

I promised myself I wouldn't post entries like this anymore, but I need to let out. I am ashamed of myself. I am sick and disgusted with myself. I make myself sick, the mere thought f what I have become. I am shit, the lowest of the low, lower than filth.

It all began when I came here to Whitewater. I partied the second day I was here and ended up missing my advising meeting. It wasn't too big of a deal because I knew campus so well, but it began me on a slippery slope that has landed me where I am today. This soon evolved into me missing classes because of my eratic sleep habits. I missed the first class of my personal health and fitness class and ended up failing it because of that. I began missing more and more of my math class, and now it has been more than three weeks since I have been to it. I tell myself I will make up the work, but I never did and rarely try to. I still hope I can pass it. I began missing assignments for my English class. I would neglect reading from our textbook, then would just sit in class silently and hope I wouldn't be called on. I also began missing my WOTA class, and I know I have already failed it. I missed my chance to goto event required to pass the class, and now there is no hope of me passing it.

So what keeps me here? What keeps me going? At first I thought it was Japanese, the one class I wasn't failing, but now it sounds like my teacher distrusts me and everyone in the class thinks I am an idiot, especially the people I care about (namely Kyon). I am not failing it, but I am not doing very well either because I have not done the homework for that class in two weeks and I fucked up really badly on my group project. So, Japanese is out of the picture because everyone in my group hates me and my professor thinks I am worthless.

So what does keep me here? Is it stubbornness? Is it my attempt at justifying graduating a year early? Or is it fear of actually having to work for a living and ending up in a dead-end job situation? I don't want that, but if I flunk out, what else can I do? Is there any hope left for me?

Please do not feel bad for me. This is my own damn fault, and I realize it. I have no one person or thing to blame but myself. Maye i wasn't ready for college life. Maybe my reasons for graduating early weren't what I thought they were, but rather what I denied them to be. I wish I could change things, but now it is too late. Things have already happened, and it is the end of the semester. If I flunk out of Whitewater, it is my own fault for doing so.

I guess more than anything else I feel bad about letting people down. I feel bad about letting my family down, though they don't know my situation as of right now. I feel bad about letting my friends down, the people who have supported me and cheered me on through these past few months. I feel bad about letting Kate down because she is the reason i came here in the first place. Most of all though, I let myself down. I broke every virtue I tried to keep. I've lied, I've cheated, I've sullied my name in almost every way possible, and for what? A few extra hours sleep, that's what.

-rising only to toast-
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