Toastmaster's House of Sexiness

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Monday, October 1st, 2007
2:19 am - Robbed
I was robbed on my way home from work today. $20 I had received from my grandmother as a birthday present, the only money I had to my name, is now in the pocket of a seedy crackhead. Fucking fuck.

current mood: distressed

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Monday, September 17th, 2007
6:18 pm - Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired
Uuuuuuuuuugh. Why does it seem that summer colds are so much worse than colds you get in the winter? Is it a mind thing, or is it that colds are actually more severe this time of year?

For those of you who don't know, I quit my job at Noodles & Co. last week. Suffice to say that I decided that all the troubles I had with commuting to the East side everyday was not with the $7.50 an hour that I was pulling in. For the past week I have been pretty recluse, doing as little as possible to save money and gas. Last Thursday I was stricken with a terrible cold that has been passed around the apartment here, limiting my already subdued pastimes to little more than slothing around the apartment.

Other than that, things have been going fairly decently. I had a date on Saturday, which was fun, but I was too sick to enjoy most of it. The girl I went out with was really cute and interesting, but I'm not sure how I feel about long-term prospectives. I'm really in no position to think about it, seeing as we've only just met, but I guess it's something that's been on my mind lately.

I can't necessarily say that I've been lonely; I have plenty of friends to help bring me up when I'm down, and I can't really say that my boys are blue (nudge nudge); I've had plenty of opportunities lately to have that need taken care of. No, I think it's just been a realization that I want to take that step again. It's been over a year since Kyon and I broke up, and I think I'm ready to get back into the dating scene. There are a lot of things I miss about being in a relationship with someone and the more and more I think about it, the more and more I realize that it's time to try something new, no matter what the cost might be.

Now back to my quiet life of daytime napping and hopes for a less congested tomorrow.

current mood: sick

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Sunday, August 26th, 2007
11:41 pm - Without skin
Our hearts become tanned hides every day that we live and by every person that we meet. Some people's skins are so thick that no one can touch them, and even if they were touched, they wouldn't be able to feel it.

We put masks on every day that we step outside into the world. Our masks cover our identity, and allow us to play the roles that we fit ourselves into. Our faces change from person to person, friend to friend, lover to lover, but none are like the faces that lie underneath.

We become so enthralled in the overture each new day beginning like the curtains rising, putting our masks on like morning makeup. We forget who we are.

Look at yourself in the mirror. Without skin. Pink and raw, bare teeth, muscle and organ. A person who is scared, and untouched, darker and deeper than your most humiliating thoughts.

I have seen my friends before, without skin, without a tanned hide or a mask to stow away behind. Like huddled masses of sinew and ligament, they looked at me with eyes forever open. They were like infants, but sadder, and more frightened. Without anything or anyone to keep their tender bodies safe, they were open to the world like being thrown into the pacific ocean with your body as an open wound.

I have seen myself like this, and now it gets harder and harder to face the new day knowing I am not who I am, and pretending at the wills of someone else that I am just a tool. The way I am perceived by other people is not me, and never will be.

I just have to put my mask back on, and smile away like I don't know what's going on either.

current mood: drained

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Thursday, August 9th, 2007
2:16 am - I'm definitely not dead (or dying)
Hi everyone. I noticed today that I haven't posted since I bought the super trooper. I guess recently I've had a feeling that the events of my life are quite inconsequential, leaving me with little desire to waste my time recording them. However I think it'd be nice to catch up with you lj-folk, so I'll give an update for those of you I haven't talked to for a while.

April/ May:

>Went to ACen and had a generally good time. A better time would have been had if I'd gone with more money and if I wouldn't have been stuck with a wet blanket.

>Quit my job at Rocky Rococo's

>Finished my second and last semester at UW-Whitewater

>Searched for a new job after coming home

June:

>Got a job at Noodles & Company-Fitchburg

>Was asked if interested in being promoted to shift manager

>Fell nutsack over heels for one of my co-workers

July:

>Began working at Noodles & Company-East to train to become a shift manager, having not been made aware that once my training was through, I would not be returning to Fichburg like I had hoped.

>Went to a music festival in Janesville called the "Cosmic Railroad Family Gathering" and embraced my hippie way of life.

August:

>Moved into the new apartment with Keith and Gemma. I brought Serjio with me (much to his dismay).

>Decided that I cannot afford to wok at Noodles East anymore, and am looking to transfer soon.

So, in summation I have been well. I am, if nothing else, comfortable. And it feels pretty damned nice to be that way.

Fell free to call me if you would like to come visit the new place. Keith and Gemma and I plan on having a shindig sooner or later, but we would like a chance to get settled in a little better before that happens.

current mood: Feelin' fine

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Sunday, April 15th, 2007
7:35 pm - I are having wheels
Bought a car yestiddy. I now have a '94 isuzu trooper. Sweet.

current mood: cheerful

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Wednesday, March 21st, 2007
1:49 am - Boooooooooooored
LIFE SITUATIONS

1. If you were to find out you were pregnant what would you do?
Wonder How a man got pregnant in the first place.

2. Do you trust your friends?
Yes

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the person you love?
Yes

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
No

5. Name one thing you would NOT tolerate in a relationship.
Dishonesty

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best room mate for you?
That I don't know. Probably Tim.

7. Can you deal with people who are too concerned with status?
Yes

8. Are you afraid of falling in love?
No

9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
Not really

10. Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new guy/girl?
No

11. Name one person from your friends list that you could call on.
Jim

12. From your friends list, who can you call in the middle of the night if you need to talk?
Jim

13. What do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
Physically? Small breasts, short hair and nice butt. Otherwise, sense of humor is paramount.

14. Fill in the blank. I will NEVER _____.
Shit in a hat.

15. What are your goals in life?
To live life and to experience as much as possible in doing so.

16. What can you tell about a person by kissing them?
How sexually aggressive they are.

17. When you get married, how would you envision your dream wedding???
Simple, outside, non-religious, white not necessary.

18. If you could say just one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Have a nice day.

19. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended period of time, name some people you would want to see around your bed?
My family, Jim, my close friends

20. How many kids do you want to have?
Two

21. Would you make a good parent?
I think so


22. What is your middle name?
James

23. Honestly, does your crush like you back?
No

24.What's on your mind right now?
Porn

25. Are you musical?
Yes

26. If you could go back in time, and change something, what would you change?
Nothing

Shoe size:10 1/2 - 11 1/2

Height: 6'3"

What are you wearing right now?
Jammies

Righty or lefty: Righty tighty

Can you make a dollar in change right now:
Yep


Best place to go for a date:
Madison; state st.

FAVORITES
Kind of pants: none
Number: 7
Animal: Kitties ^.^
Sport: biking
Month: may
Juice: Apple

HAVE YOU EVER:
Bungee Jumped? No
Made yourself throw-up? Tried, but I lack a gag reflex.
Eaten a hotdog? Yes
Played truth or dare? Yes
Been on a plane? Yes
Came close to dying? Yes
Been in a sauna? Yes
Been in a hotub? Yes
Swam in the ocean? Yes
Fell asleep in school? Yes
Ran away? Yes
Cried when someone died? Yes
Cried in school? Yes
Cried on your way to school? Maybe...can't remeber
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call? Yes
Saved e-mails? Yes
Used someone? Yes

WHAT IS:
Your good luck charm? don't have one

favorite song? Right now? Umm...either "Emily" by Joanna Newsom or "Either Way" by Wilco

HAVE YOU HAD:
Chicken pox: Yes
Sore Throat: Yes
Stitches: Yes
Broken bone:No
Plastic Surgery: No

QUESTIONS??
Who was the last person that called you? Jon
Who was the last person you slow danced with? I'm not sure on that one...
Who makes you smile the most? Probably Tim
Who knows you the best? I don't even know myself that well
Do you like filling these out? Not really
Do you wear contact lenses or glasses? Bifocals.
Do you like yourself? Yhea
Do you get along with your family? Yes

ARE YOU
Obsessive Compulsive? No, I'm pretty passive


FINAL QUESTIONS
Hated someone in your family? Kinda
Gotten any awards? Yes
Good Singer? Sure
Have a lava lamp? No...
How many remote controls are in your house? 2
What was your dream about last nite? Can't remember...
Scary or Funny Movie? Funny
Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate
Rootbeer or Dr.Pepper? Root Beer
Skiing or Boarding? Neither
Summer or winter? Spring.
Silver or Gold? Silver
Diamond or pearl? Diamond
Sprite or 7up? Sprite
Coffee or tea? Coffee
Phone or in person? In person
Are you oldest, middle or youngest? Middle


TODAY DID YOU
1. Talk to someone you liked? Yes
2. Buy something? Yes
3. Get sick? No
4. Talked to an ex? no
5. Miss someone? A little
6. Get in a fight with someone? no

LAST PERSON WHO
6. You slept next to? Can't remember
7. Saw you cry? probably Kate, but that was quite some time ago
8. Made you cry? Me
9. Went to the movies with: DP and Will
10. Ever been in a fight with your pet? Yes. Serjio is one crafty bastard....
11. Been to Mexico? Yes
12. Been to South America? No.

Random
13. Do you have a crush on someone right now? No
14. Your Favorite food? Dunno. Probably chicken pot pie
17. How many pillows do you sleep with on your bed? 1

There you have it. Have fun.

current mood: blah

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Saturday, March 17th, 2007
3:42 am - Fuxorz
Damn. Met a cute girl today, thought we really hit it off. Turns out she has a boyfriend. Just my luck. That is all.

current mood: crappy

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Monday, March 5th, 2007
3:18 pm - Musical Genius
My friend from facebook John Hermle gave me Wilco's new album today. This album isn't officially out yet, and tecnically doesn't exist, so I am super lucky to have it. OMFG, it is incredible. Jeff Tweedy is a genius, and I will stand for that belief until the day I die. (BTW, the name of the album is called "Sky Blue Sky", and its official release date isn't until May.) I'll probably still buy the album so I can have the cover art and support the band. Ahhhh...heaven...

current mood: good

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Tuesday, February 27th, 2007
2:33 am - Life is kinda dissapointing when you don't believe in anything..
First off, as promised, here are the words that were written on the whiteboard with the balloon picture:

Some people, I have found, think far too long and far too hard on such silly things.

Things such as: “Does he love me?” “Will I wake up tomorrow?”

But what happened to the great questions in life (Do rainbows really taste like skittles?)

(What happened to imagination?)

I like to think about balloons, rubber or Mylar bladders filled to burst with gasses lighter than air.

What goes through the mind of a balloon when it is set free? While the ground gets smaller and a little boy is left disappointed?

I wonder to myself, how many are up there?

Do they know each other?

Do the tell stories about how they were lost?

Do they remember the little boys and little girls to whom they once belonged?

And if they do, do they remember us?

Do they watch us from high above? Do they watch us as time passes by? As we grow and change, and forget all of the balloons we let go of and the kites we lost to the trees?

Do they grow? And love? Do they die, or do they just keep floating?

And I wonder to myself, just exactly what would it feel like to be a balloon? To drift away from little hands and float above the earth…eternally…

I wrote this after looking at a balloon at work earlier in the month. It made me think of what it was like to be a child and not know the realities of life.

It is impossible to know what life is, seeing as everyone has a skewed point of perception. Every person on the face of the earth, including myself, has a personal bias when it comes to perception. Why? Because your perception of reality is based upon personal life experiences, which can only make you see so far.

When I leave myself alone to my thoughts, I go into a world as free as possible from such biases. I try my hardest to walk in other peoples shoes, and understand things from their point of view. Over the past few months I have looked at things as hard as possible without a personal bias, and have come to the understanding that we as people are no more than what we are. I'm sure everyone realizes this, and I'm surely not one to say that I know any more than someone else, but it's different when you look at things at face value.

For instance:

I have realized that a lot of people have this hang up that people are something special. The truth is (and as I said, most of you already realize this) is that we are just animals. We are living beings, just as is every other creature or living being on this planet. We have consciousness, which is the end result of mankind's need to be a social species.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I look at things from the most practical and analytical point of view possible, and see things for what they are instead of what they symbolize, it's kind of a big let down. Kind of like finding out Santa, the easter bunny, the tooth faerie, and all of those tales are fake, all in one blow.

Please don't take this the wrong way and think that I am depressed or in need of help, I just felt like expressing some of the thoughts that have been going on through my head. I still have a great will to live because of my voracious curiosity and my ardent love of life, but I do find it a bit disenchanting to think that there isn't much that really matters.

What does matter?

Love, social interaction, friendships, making life worth living.

Society is kind of a funny thing, but again, please don't think I am trying to make myself sound any better than anyone else. I know what I know what I know, and I am who I am. No more, no less.

-rising only to toast-

current mood: apathetic

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Friday, February 16th, 2007
4:06 pm
I don't have much time, but I wanted to share this with youse guys, so I am keeping it short. On Valentine's day, I was a little down because I had nowhere to go, and no one to spend it with, so I went to the basement of Tutt and drew this picture.




Here is a closeup of one of the more inspired writings:




And just for fun, some line art I did a while ago:




As for the late Valentine thing, I'll leave it for another time, or for those who care to ask. I'm too tired to tell the story right now.

-rising only to toast-

current mood: tired

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Wednesday, February 7th, 2007
12:00 am - I'm only doing this because I reeeeeeeeeeeeeally want that widh to come true
FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS -
DON'T CHEAT WHATEVER YOU DO
OR IT WON'T WORK AND
YOU WILL WISH YOU HADN`T.

TAKE 3 MINUTES
TRY THIS - IT WILL FREAK YOU OUT.





THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO ME SAID
HER WISH CAME TRUE 10 MINUTES AFTER SHE FORWARDED THE EMAIL

NO CHEATING!!!!





THIS GAME HAS A FUNNY / CREEPY OUTCOME.





DO NOT READ AHEAD, JUST DO IT.





IT TAKES ABOUT 3 MINUTES - WORTH A TRY


1st. Get PEN and PAPER

2nd. WHEN CHOOSING NAMES, MAKE SURE THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW

3rd. GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCTS !!!!! Very important for good results.

4th SCROLL DOWN

ONE LINE AT THE TIME
DON`T READ AHEAD
otherwise
YOU WILL RUIN THE FUN.





1. On a blank sheet of paper, WRITE NUMBERS 1 through 11 in a COLUMN on the LEFT.





2. Next to the NUMBERS 1 & 2,

WRITE DOWN ANY
2 NUMBERS YOU WANT.

DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE NUMBER?





3. Next to the NUMBERS 3 & 7,

WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF TWO MEMBERS
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.





CAUTION: DO NOT LOOK AHEAD or IT WILL NOT TURN OUT RIGHT





4. WRITE ANYONES NAME

(like FRIENDS or FAMILY...)
next to 4, 5, & 6.





DON`T CHEAT OR YOU`LL BE UPSET THAT YOU DID





5. WRITE down FOUR SONG TITLES in 8, 9, 10, & 11





6. Finally,

MAKE A WISH





ARE YOU READY?
HERE IS THE

KEY TO THE GAME





1. THE NUMBER of PEOPLE THAT LIKE YOU is found in

SPACE 2





2. THE PERSON IN SPACE

3 IS THE ONE YOU LOVE





3. THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your relationship CANNOT WORK is in

SPACE 7





4. YOU CARE MOST about the PERSON you put in

SPACE 4





5. THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS THE ONE WHO

KNOWS YOU VERY WELL.





6. THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN 6 IS THE YOUR

LUCKY STAR





7. THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE

PERSON IN NUMBER 3





8. THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE

PERSON IN 7





9. THE 10TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT

YOUR MIND





10. AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU

FEEL ABOUT LIFE





11. NUMBER 1 IS YOUR

LUCKY NUMBER



repost this
WITHIN AN HOUR OF READING THIS.





IF YOU DO, YOUR WISH WILL COME TRUE.


IF YOU FAIL TO, IT WILL BECOME THE OPPOSIte

current mood: apathetic

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Thursday, January 25th, 2007
11:47 pm - Nuuuuh
Tonight was my first night working at Rocky Rococo's. I think I'll get used to it, but it will be a little while until the people that I am working with start warming up to me. I think things will be easier then.

Things are going pretty well so far this semester. I have yet to miss a class or an assignment, which is more than I can say about the first week of my last semester. Even though things have been going well however, nothing has swayed my opinion about moving to Madison for next semester. in fact, the more time I spend here in Whitewater, the more and more I feel like Madison will benefit me.

For those of you not in the know, I will not be attending B-Fest this year. I am unable to go because I have two classes tomorrow that I cannot skip, and I also have to work from 5-9 on Friday. It's a bit of a weight off my shoulders because I couldn't have afforded the ticket/hotel anyways, but it is still disappointing.

In other news, the whole deal with Ashly was apparently a HUGE misunderstanding. I was under the assumption that she wanted to date me, but apparently she has eyes for someone else. This whole fabrication was woven by Regina, my brother's ex-girlfriend/Ashly's roommate. She told me a few things that weren't true, and led me to believe Ashly was interested in me. I talked to Ashly about it, and I feel better that she knows where I was coming from, but it sill sucks.

That's about all I can tell you...truth be told I was actually using this post to keep me occupied while my porn downloaded...still have another 10% to go....dododododododo....

-rising only to toast...and to watch porn-

current mood: blah

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Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007
4:51 pm - I...am...job
I'm working at the Rocky Rococo's in Whitewater now. Just thought I'd share the news.

-rising only to toast-

current mood: excited

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Saturday, January 20th, 2007
5:54 pm - Well this sux0rz
Sounds like I won't be bringing Ashly to Colin's show tonight on account of the fact that she hasn't gotten back from her home in Minnesta yet. She will be coming to Rocky, which is nice, and I'll still be going to Colin's show, but it's still kinda dissapointing. Oh wells...

-rising only to toast-

current mood: disappointed

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3:47 am - It's really fuckin' cold back here.
So it's really fucking cold back here. It has been all winter. One of the unfortunate things about the way my house was built is that not all the rooms in my house get proper heat. With the computer now being situated in my brother's old room it becomes a pain just to sit down and try to read my e-mails.

School starts on Monday, so I will be leaving on Sunday for Whitewater. It'll be nice to have high speed internet again, not to mention my well heated room and high pressure showers. Regardless of however nice those things may be, I still have to face the fact that I'm looking at a 1.0 GPA and a semester's worth of academic probation.

Tomorrow night I have Rocky, and I guess I'm excited for that because a couple of people I know will hopefully be coming. I dunno, the thought of my brother seeing my run around half naked bothers me a bit, but not enough to distract me from the show or to ask him not to come. Tomorrow night is also Colin's show, which I am excited about not only because I finally get to see him perform, but I will also be bringing a date with me.

My date's name is Ashly, an Art/Comp Sci major at Edgewood college that is the roommate of my brother's girlfriend. I met her one time when Jack had picked me up from Rocky Horror and had taken me back to his apartment where Regina and Ashly were spending the night. I was still pretty pumped up from Rocky, and was having trouble sleeping so I began to chat with her as we laid on opposite ends of my brother's living room. We ended up talking until what must have been 5 in the morning until we realized that we really need to get some sleep. I can't say that we really hit it off or that there were sparks or anything, but I know I got the impression that she was a really cool person and someone that would probably be a little out of my league if I were to ask her out. About a week or so ago I received a phone call from my brother telling me that Regina, his girlfriend, had talked to Ashly, and Ashly had told Regina that if I were to ask her out, she wouldn't say no. Lo and behold, we will both be going to Colin's show together and she will be coming to Rocky with me.

I'm kinda nervous because I've never really been out on a date before. When Kate and I were together we went out to dinner and went to movies and such, but that was after knowing each other as friends for several years, then being together as a couple for quite a while. I suppose you can call the time I spent with Kate 2.0 a sort-of dating situation, but I don't think that she thought of it the same way. This is the first time that I've taken someone who is almost a complete stranger out on a real date and I'm nervous because I don't want to mess up any chances of her wanting to see me more, or possibly on a more long-term basis.

If you look at the past two relationships I've had, I've never had to win a woman over before dating them. I've always had relationships where I knew my partner as a friend before I began dating them, and when we began dating, it was just like it was being friends with them, only with the benefits of romance and eventually sex. This is going to be different. I cant expect this to be a long term thing, and I certainly can't expect her to fall in love with me right off the bat. I guess I'm unaccustomed to this sort of thing. I dunno.

I'll probably see most of you tomorrow night, but if I don't I will post on lj how everything went. Look out for this Tuesday's special editon of Toasty McToast: The Lost December Episodes!

-rising only to toast-

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Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007
12:27 am - T3h Year In Review....(now with more toast!)
Well folks, here we are, year 2007. We've done it again gang! We made it past another bout of cicling the sun and look at how we've grown! Let's look at Toasmater Tom's year in review:

January: I don't recall much of January. What I do remeber is that I was going through Hell working so much at O-Max, but other than that, nothing of particular importance stands out in my mind.

FebruarySee above. However, I do recall a pleasant Valentine's day with Kyon and our "Dinner and a Movie" deal with some of our Whitewater firends. That was fun.

MarchI remeber very little of March.

AprilNot much better than March. My first LJ Entry was sometime during this month.

MayMay was certainly one of the most flavorful moths I lived through this past year. During the month of May I endured the stress of working 25 hours a week on top of trying to graduate early, trying to pass my classes so I could graduate arly, the HEll that was ACen 2006 (Which in retrospect I blame no-one but myself for), the beginning of the end of my relationship with Kyon, and the point where I temporarily quit my job to finish school.

JuneKyon's birthday, graduation, graduation party, the end of my relationship with Kyon, starting at O-Max again.

JulyThe awkwardness of being a single man for the first time in four years, the agony of thinking of Kyon with someone else, Kate 2.0...

AugustRealization that my "relationship" with Kate 2.0 was going nowhere, "Twistin' the Night Away", my going away party, moving to Whitewater

SeptemberClasses began, and I started off on a good foot, made many friends, went to a few parties, sold Oskar (to Kate 2.0), turned 18, Toasty's first comic appeared.

OctoberClasses began to slip, Rocky Horror live on Friday the 13th, the acceptance of my bisexuality, the acceptance that Kyon and I will never get back together and that we will never be more than friends again,

NovemberClasses began to fall apart, apathy began, I joined the Velvet Darkness cast, Thanksgiving.

DecemberFailed 3 classes, almost got into a fight with Kyon about our Japanese project, suffered a lot of stress because of family and school issues, realized that looking for women in Whitewater will forever be fruitless, began performing for Velvet Darkness without fucking it up completely, first Christmas in four years without a girlfriend, recieved a very nice long, black, wool jacket for Christmas, relaxed as much as possible once I got home, ignored LJ/my e-mail due to my slow internet, celebrated New Year's with some of my best friends.

There you have it! To be honest, I can't say this year was bad in retrospect. I can definately say a lot of bad things happened, but I can't say it brings me down about the whole experience of this past year. Thanks to good friends and good times! Here's to a happy 2007!

-rising only to toast-

P.S. I'm totally throwin spellcheck out the window on this one because I don't feel like waiting for my cmputer at hom to process this.

P.S.S. Thank you evil_jim for the wonderful evening, the hospitality, the food and the Eva-enduced headache. I really cherish your friendship.

current mood: accomplished

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Wednesday, December 13th, 2006
4:39 pm - Because It Doesn't do 'em Justice
Here are the pictures I used for my webcomic site with a higher resolution. Enjoy!













-rising only to toast-

current mood: chipper

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Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
6:05 pm - Toasty finally has a home!!!!!!
Finally! Toasty has his own URL where he can run and play and eat all the ugly babies he wants! Here, take a gander!(But leave the geese, they're mine)

-rising only to toast-

current mood: excited

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Monday, December 11th, 2006
10:19 pm - Burned Out
In light of recent events I am going to have to put a hold on Toasty for this week. He may appear as early as Thursday, but right now I don't even want to look at photoshop. I appreciate your understanding.

-rising only to toast-

current mood: exhausted

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Wednesday, December 6th, 2006
3:58 pm - Feeling like shit
I promised myself I wouldn't post entries like this anymore, but I need to let out. I am ashamed of myself. I am sick and disgusted with myself. I make myself sick, the mere thought f what I have become. I am shit, the lowest of the low, lower than filth.

It all began when I came here to Whitewater. I partied the second day I was here and ended up missing my advising meeting. It wasn't too big of a deal because I knew campus so well, but it began me on a slippery slope that has landed me where I am today. This soon evolved into me missing classes because of my eratic sleep habits. I missed the first class of my personal health and fitness class and ended up failing it because of that. I began missing more and more of my math class, and now it has been more than three weeks since I have been to it. I tell myself I will make up the work, but I never did and rarely try to. I still hope I can pass it. I began missing assignments for my English class. I would neglect reading from our textbook, then would just sit in class silently and hope I wouldn't be called on. I also began missing my WOTA class, and I know I have already failed it. I missed my chance to goto event required to pass the class, and now there is no hope of me passing it.

So what keeps me here? What keeps me going? At first I thought it was Japanese, the one class I wasn't failing, but now it sounds like my teacher distrusts me and everyone in the class thinks I am an idiot, especially the people I care about (namely Kyon). I am not failing it, but I am not doing very well either because I have not done the homework for that class in two weeks and I fucked up really badly on my group project. So, Japanese is out of the picture because everyone in my group hates me and my professor thinks I am worthless.

So what does keep me here? Is it stubbornness? Is it my attempt at justifying graduating a year early? Or is it fear of actually having to work for a living and ending up in a dead-end job situation? I don't want that, but if I flunk out, what else can I do? Is there any hope left for me?

Please do not feel bad for me. This is my own damn fault, and I realize it. I have no one person or thing to blame but myself. Maye i wasn't ready for college life. Maybe my reasons for graduating early weren't what I thought they were, but rather what I denied them to be. I wish I could change things, but now it is too late. Things have already happened, and it is the end of the semester. If I flunk out of Whitewater, it is my own fault for doing so.

I guess more than anything else I feel bad about letting people down. I feel bad about letting my family down, though they don't know my situation as of right now. I feel bad about letting my friends down, the people who have supported me and cheered me on through these past few months. I feel bad about letting Kate down because she is the reason i came here in the first place. Most of all though, I let myself down. I broke every virtue I tried to keep. I've lied, I've cheated, I've sullied my name in almost every way possible, and for what? A few extra hours sleep, that's what.

-rising only to toast-

current mood: Feeling like Shit

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